What Happens In Central, Stays In Central
by Le Confidant
Summary: Short stories about Ed and Winry's two-week vacation in Central. Ratings per chapter varies from T to M. Insidious spinoff. Crack fic, smut, lots of cursing and swearing, mild kink.
1. Peekaboo

A/N: This is a collection of mini stories about how Ed and Winry spent their two-week vacation in Central. These stories will involve humorous interactions between them. Some chapters will be longer than others and will contain various ratings (from T to M).

This story is unbeta'd as I didn't see the urgency for it to be beta'd. Enjoy!

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"Fuckin' ten o'clock", Ed said to himself when he saw the time on his silver watch.

He felt all the way to his bones that he survived his first day in Central. He had to take care of tedious paperwork after his 'avid' conversation with the Bastard. Breda helped him with the paperwork while constantly bothering him with non-stop questioning about his life as Mr. Elric. When Ed thought he was finally free from the first-lieutenant and his tortuous interrogation, he bumped into the other first-lieutenant. Jean Havoc dragged him to a small bar where he started a new line of tortuous questioning about his personal life. Now it was ten o'clock and he prayed that such a sorry day didn't end up with his head sporting a new contusion courtesy of Winry's wrench. When he gathered enough courage, he opened the door to the suite and immediately found that the lights were off.

"Shit. Winry fell asleep waiting for me", Ed whispered to himself. They had plans to go out and explore the city once he was back from his meeting with the general.

Edward turned on the lamp in the foyer and, with the best use of his abilities, padded through the room until he reached the king sized bed where Winry was fast asleep. Ed could clearly make out Winry's silhouette when he stood at the foot of the gigantic bed. Now that he was that close, he could see the tiny outfit she had on. She was wearing some scandalous crimson-colored lingerie that had black details. Everything in that outfit looked like it was strategically pieced together by a set of ribbons. Ed quickly thought that he could practically leave Winry completely naked if he pulled on one of those ribbons.

Edward liked his lips upon realizing such a perverted thought. It wasn't the first time that he had awoken Winry from her slumber with hot caresses and passionate kissing so he could make love to her. Ed took all of his clothes off with the dexterity and agility of a bodyguard from the Xinguese royal court and crawled next to his wife. He traveled her body with his eyes which in turn brought a very pleasant feeling to a very special part of his body. His eyes decided to stop around her bra. He noticed that there was a small black ribbon curiously placed at the center of each cup. Ed realized he has never seen a piece of Winry's underwear that sported any type of detail like the one she currently had on. He brought a curious hand to one of those ribbons and swiftly pulled on it. His eyes widen when he discovered a pink nipple between a slit that, up to that moment, had been concealed by the ribbon. Ed lifted his gaze to the heaven's and thanked the designer -who in his mind was a man as only a man could design such a magnificent masterpiece- with all his heart.

Ed couldn't resist the temptation and started flicking the nipple with the tip of his tongue while sucking on it at intervals until it turned into a more intense shade of pink. Winry moved and moaned a bit but remained fast asleep. Ed smiled and deftly hovered his body around his wife until he reached the other breast. He gave it the same attention as he did to the previous one. He pulled back after a while and grinned with utter satisfaction at the results of his handiwork. His eyes continued traveling south until they reached her crotch. He discovered that her panties also had a ribbon conspicuously placed on top of her nether parts. Ed couldn't contain his excitement and it showed itself as a wide grin that spanned from ear to ear. He started to pull on that ribbon when Winry woke up from her slumber.

"You're back."

Ed moved around with cat-like reflexes and was now kissing his wife. "I'm sorry my love", he said as an apology when he pulled away from the heated kiss.

"I was tired of waiting and decided to go shopping", Winry said while she tenderly caressed his face.

"-and decided to buy that hot little number", Ed added.

"Yes. Riza picked it up for me. She said that the peek-a-boo style was the latest fashion trend in Central", she answered while pulling away the band that held his long hair in a ponytail.

Ed was completely horrified.

"What's wrong my love?", Winry asked rather confused with Ed's sudden change in behavior.

"You went out shopping with the colonel?", he answered rather annoyed.

"We bumped into each other at a cafe and she decided to keep me company for the rest of the evening", she said with caution as she was still confused with Ed's erratic behavior. "I don't see anything wrong in that", she added.

"But why did you have to enter one of 'those stores' with her?, he replied while pointing at the lingerie she had on.

"Oh come on Ed! Don't be so ridiculous!", she yelled at him.

"But why didn't you go somewhere else? You didn't have to do that kind of stuff with her", he complained to her.

"Because she is a person that I can trust and; because she is a more mature and a more experienced woman, made her the perfect candidate to help me find something that would please a man with a boob fetish. Are you satisfied with that answer Ed?", Winry replied quite upset while her face turned red from the embarrassment.

"Boo- Boob fetish? Did I hear you say boob fetish?", Ed answered with dread as he knew very well that there went a valuable piece of personal information that the Bastard will surely use against him once he finds it out straight from the colonel's mouth.

"Yes Ed. You have a boob obsession and I only wanted for you to indulge in your sexual fantasies while we were enjoying ourselves on this vacation but you had to screw everything up with your stupidity", she answered him with utter frustration when she got up from the bed to put on something more decent.

Edward just sat on the bed while he followed her around with his eyes until she locked up herself in the bathroom. It was then that he felt deflated, as deflated as another part of his body already was.

"Dammit to hell!", he slowly chewed out the words.

Ed laid down and pulled on the blankets. He tried to sleep as best as he could under the terrible circumstances he had to go through on his first day back in Central.

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A/N: I hope you liked it so far! Yes I love humor, specially if it is dark and naughty humor. This collection of stories is a way for me to experiment with other types of fictional writing. I would love to know what you think of this spin off. Please R&R.

BTW Some of the characters will most likely be OOC in later chapters as this is a crack fic.

Ciao!


	2. Caricature

Hi everyone! New chapter is ready and loaded! In case you didn't notice I've changed the title of the fic. It's just that the other one didn't fit in. Enjoy!

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"Simply outstanding!, Winry said with joy when they stood before the new artist's market located in the recently inaugurated Central Park that was erected in memory of the late Führer King Bradley.

"I don't see what all the fuss is about. This is a measly flea market posing as an artist's market", Ed answered using caustic words as he didn't want to be there in the first place, "-and to make matters worse they erected a whole park to that fucking monster who betrayed everyone in Amestris by pretending to be a fair and honest leader-"

"Oh shut up Ed! You sound like a bitter old man when you talk like that", Winry butted in while trying to change the gloomy subject.

Edward pursed his lips, growled something between his teeth and continued walking alongside his wife.

Winry stopped at each and every stand just to check the trinkets that the artisans from different parts of the continent were selling at the market.

"Don't you think they're gorgeous?", Winry asked her husband while modeling some pieces of jewelry made out of metal wires and turquoises.

Ed looked at the jewelry with indifference, opting to keep quiet.

"You're impossible Ed!", she yelled at him in complete rage. Winry turned around and shoved the jewelry back into the artisan's hands and left.

Winry's demeanor eased up when Ed bought her some cotton candy. He quenched her wrath just in the nick of time since she had already threatened him with taking her gigantic wrench out of her minuscule purse and using it against him if he continued pestering her the way he had been doing since they got there.

They kept walking long the trails observing the multitude of paintings that were hand-painted by local artists.

"I think we should buy some of these type of paintings once we permanently move here in Central", Winry said.

"These are pure junk Winry. Only crass tourists with bad taste buy them. Can't you see how vulgar these supposed masterpieces are?", Ed replied with utter sarcasm.

"-and these words come from the person who has his artistic taste deeply shoved into parts that I can't even mention in public", Winry angrily answered him while feeling that she was loosing her patience with him once again.

They reached an area where artists were drawing caricatures. Ed quickly noticed a rather peculiar sparkle in his wife's eyes. He deeply sighed as he knew that those sparkly eyes meant that she wanted something and that something meant a stupid caricature of them. Winry approached one of the artists -a rather good-looking, middle-aged man with a very elegant poise- and asked him how much a caricature with two people in it would cost.

"For you mademoiselle I will do it for 50 cens", the man answered with a flirty smile.

Winry turned around towards her husband showing him a sad puppy look. "Ed?", he could almost hear the whimper.

Edward rolled his eyes and let out another sigh. "Ok Winry", he said to her, defeated.

She grabs him by the hand and dragged him to a set of chairs where they would remain in a sitting position until the caricaturist finished the drawing.

"Please don't move too much", said the suave man.

"Where are you from mister?", Winry asked with extreme curiosity as she wanted to know where that man came from as she never had heard such a captivating accent up until that moment.

"From Gaule, mademoiselle", he answered, showing her another flirty smile followed by an inconspicuous wink of the eye.

"I believe you wanted to say madame, sir, as she is a married woman", Ed butted in, almost showing his teeth while waving the hand that wore his wedding ring.

"E-Ed!", Winry said, faking her anger as she secretly loved that Ed got jealous over her every now and then.

It was Winry's first time at meeting someone from Gaule. She only knew that the place was located northwest from Creta.

"Ed? Did you go to Gaule on your trip to the West?"

"Um- yeah Winry. I briefly stopped by", his answer was laconic. The caricaturist caught sense of the laconic demeanor that Ed used when answering the question.

"So you had the pleasure of visiting my homeland monsieur?", the man said with a tinge of mischief wrapped around his words. "So what did you think about it?"

"Oh- it is a beautiful place with very welcoming people and the food is to die for", Ed said with a fake smile as the time he spent through those lands had been the contrary. For him, Gaule has been one of the worst places he has visited in his entire life.

The artist noticed the hypocrisy in Edward's words but decided to remain quiet about it until he finished the caricature.

"¡Fini!", the caricaturist said in his native tongue when he finished the small drawing.

Ed and Winry approached the man in order to admire his finished work. Winry exploded into a fit of laughter while Ed was fuming.

"What the hell is wrong with you! Do you think this is funny!", Ed yelled as he was completely enraged.

"Ed relax. You have to admit that is one funny drawing", Winry said while trying to calm his now choleric husband.

"Winry he drew me like a fucking midget! A miserable midget that wears a stupid hat on his stupid head while he sticks his hand inside his vest so he could touch God knows what!", Ed screamed, his wrath was now escalating out of control.

"You're wrong monsieur. I drew you to the liking of one of our most greatest leaders", the caricaturist said in a condescending tone.

Ed quickly understood who the fucking idiot was referring to. The Emperor, a man that according to the annals of history, suffered from great complexes about his short stature. "Hey! Don't compare me to that clown!"

"Monseiur, I always get my inspiration from the essence of the people that I draw. For example it is easy to deduce that you almost didn't reach the height that the average Amestrian man possess besides-"

"-besides what you fucking bastard?", Ed interrupted.

"-besides it is clear that you monsieur also suffer from the same complexes that sadly our most illustrious Emperor suffered", the artist said, adding insult to injury.

Ed clenched his jaw and curled his hands into hard fists as he was ready to beat the crap out of that man.

"It was 50 cens for the drawing right?", Winry interjected before Ed knocked the lights out of that man.

"Yes madame but, don't you want to frame the caricature?"

"Ok. Please frame it sir", Winry answered with a nervous smile.

The man browsed though his bags for a cheap frame and installed the caricature. "It's 100 cens", he said to Ed when he turned around.

"You said it was 50 cens! Where the fuck did you make up that it's a 100 cens?", snarled the blonde.

"It's 50 for the drawing, 40 for the frame and 10 for the installation", the man answered with a shameless smile plastered on his face.

"You motherfucker! All of you are a bunch of-"

"Edward Elric! Sit boy!, yelled his wife while she clobbered him on the head with her wrench.

Ed sunk a bit into the dirt path from the massive hit that was inflicted upon him. How was it possible that Winry would strike him like that right at that moment? From the floor he watched Winry take the money out of her purse and paid the man then she grabbed him by a hand and dragged him far away from that sorry excuse labeled as an artist's market.

"Why did you have to humiliate me like that in front of that bastard?", he asked her after a while.

"Remember that soon you will become a leader Ed and leaders don't go around picking up petty fights with the first idiot that crosses their path."

Edward hadn't seen it from that point-of-view. He thought of the Bastard and understood why he always behaved in such a passive-aggressive way. Ed immediately shuddered in horror because he had put himself in the Bastard's shoes if even for a moment.

"So where are we going to eat at?", he asked Winry while trying to push away the horrible incident back at the artist's market.

"We're heading to a small restaurant that serves the most exquisite Gauline cuisine- it's so exquisite that is worthy of an Emperor", she answered him with a mischievous smirk followed by a flirty wink of her eye.

"Oh how she loves to piss me off!", Ed chewed out while they kept walking down the street looking for a decent place to eat.

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A/N: I hope you liked this chapter!

Gaule is an olden name for the region that encompasses France. I hope I didn't insult anyone from this region as this chapter was written for humor purposes. Same goes for the little people. XD

Trivia time: Who is that Emperor that the artist used as reference when he drew Ed? What anime made a cameo in this chapter? I offer pixelated candy for all who write the correct answers!

The Emperor was actually of average height and not short contrary to the popular belief about him.

So did you like it? Or did you hated it? R&R and let me know what you think! Ciao!


	3. Boba Tea

Hi everyone! Thanks for reading this story and I send my love to all who have reviewed. (n_n)

I know people are reading this crazy thing even though they don't comment XD

About the trivia: Yes it was Napoleon as Ed suffers from the supposed complex that this man had. Nobody got the InuYasha cameo :'( it was not very noticeable or it sucked big time... Oh well!

This chapter is the continuation of chapter 2. Enjoy!

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"E-Ed! We've been walking around for a while now! I'm hungry!", Winry whined as Ed was still undecided about what to eat that evening.

Edward ignored her comments and kept walking a few paces in front of her. He was still upset about what had happened at the Artist's Market. He suddenly stopped and Winry almost bumped into him. The two of them were at the beginning of Central's Xinguese Town. In all the years that Ed spent in Central he never had the chance to be in that part of the big city.

"Winry. How do you feel about trying Xinguese food?", Ed asked her when he turned around to face her.

Winry thought about it for a bit because anything Xinguese was still too new and too exotic for her. "Ok Ed. If Al can do it, then we too can do it", she answered him with a wide smile as a gesture of approval for his suggestion.

Ed grabs her hand and walked together for a few blocks until they stopped in front of a nice-looking restaurant.

"Shall we go in?", Ed asked.

"Yes Ed. This place is fine", Winry answers with a smile.

The place wasn't completely packed but what they did noticed was that they were the only ones who were not 'local' inside the restaurant. Everybody inside the restaurant stopped eating or talking and turned their attention towards the young Amestrian couple that just walked in. Winry squeezed Ed's hand as she felt vulnerable since so many people were staring at them from head to toes. Ed calmed her anxiety by gently caressing the hand that held his, then walked towards an empty table. They both sat down and waited for a sever.

"Ni hao! Welcome to Fu King", said the young waitress with a strong accent and a warm smile.

"Say that again?", Ed spurted out rather scandalized by what the waitress had just said.

Winry simply turned a few shades of red while rendering herself as motionless as a statue.

"Fu King is the name of the restaurant", the waitress said slightly embarrassed by the misunderstanding.

"Please excuse my husband, miss", Winry said as an apology once she awoke from her stupor.

"Do you read Xinguese? The menu is all in Xinguese", the waitress said to the couple.

Ed and Winry looked at each other then looked at the young waitress, "No miss", Ed replied for the both of them.

The waitress smiled, "Then let me help you."

The young couple looked at each other one more time then smiled at the waitress, "Thank you!", they said in unison.

"What do you recommend for us?", Ed asked.

"Pig brains are the specialty of the house", the young woman responded.

Ed noticed Winry's disgusted expression which probably was the expression he had on his face. "Do you have something else on the menu that is not brains?", Ed asked trying to hide his disgust as best as he could.

"Chicken's feet, pig's feet, fried tarantula, fermented eggs, dog meat-"

"Dog meat!", they said in unison once again but this time with horrified faces as the menu items were going from bad to worst according to their Amestrian taste.

Ed thought he heard Winry cry out Den's name between quiet sobbing. How was it possible that Al had survived all that time in Xing with that type of cuisine? He looked at the menu one more time and noticed the image of a drink that looked rather tasty in the last page of the menu. "Miss, what is this?"

"Ah! That is 'boba tea' sir. Very, very good!", the waitress answered.

Ed remembered Al talking about 'boba tea', about how delicious it was and how much he drank it when he was living in Xing. He concluded that if his younger brother approved of such drink then it was because the drink was to die for. "Two 'boba teas' please!"

"Got it!", the waitress said, "I will bring back two 'boba tea' with Amestrian twist. Taste very good!", she added before heading to the kitchen.

"Are you sure about this Ed?", Winry asked unsure of her husband's choice.

"Al told me about that type of drink Winry. He said it was a stupendous drink and I have complete trust in my little brother's judgement so-"

"Yes, yes. I got it. I just hope that this drink is somewhat tolerable because if not then you know what comes next, Ed", Winry threatened him while she grasped her small purse.

"You'll see that everything will be fine", Ed said with a wide grin plastered on his face.

After a few minutes the young waitress came back with the drinks. "Two 'boba tea'!"

The waitress placed each drink in front of them and waited for the young couple to taste the beverages before leaving their table. Winry looked at Ed rather worried as she wasn't sure about drinking the concoction but she noticed that Ed had already started drinking his beverage.

"Delicious! Al was absolutely right Winry. This beverage is tasty", Ed said almost squealing.

Winry tasted hers and found that the drink was very tasty indeed but her palate quickly picked up a very special ingredient. "Ed? Are you saying that you like this type of drink?"

"If I really like this drink, she says", Ed said while looking at the waitress who was more than happy that both of them liked their beverages. "Miss please bring me another one and super size it!"

"Another one?", Winry said with utter amazement.

"-and why not Winry? This is probably one of the best beverages I have had in my life."

Winry tried with all her might not to break down in a fit of laughter. "Whatever you say Ed", she managed to say while she kept drinking her 'boba tea'.

The young woman returned with another 'boba tea' in the biggest cup size they had available. She served it to Ed who immediately started to gulp it all down.

"Hey miss. What ingredients make up this delicious drink?", he asked after he had gulped down more than half of his second 'boba tea'.

"This type of 'boba tea' contains black tea, tapioca pearls, milk, condensed milk, lychee, sugar-"

Ed choked on the drink. "Did you say mi-milk?", he stuttered as he was quite horrified by the waitress words.

"Yes milk and condensed milk", the waitress replied rather confused by the young man's reaction.

Winry giggled a bit. "You didn't noticed it before Ed?"

"B-but Al-"

"Al loves milk, Ed, so I'm not surprised that he also loves this drink too. On the other hand what really surprises me is that you like this type of beverage", Winry wrapped hers words in a mocking tone.

Ed's face suddenly paled and it was clear that he had a cold sweat. "Bathroom?", were the only words he managed to say before completely loosing it.

"Down the hallway to your right", the waitress answered with a consternated look.

Ed rushed towards the bathroom and loudly closed the door behind him. Everyone in the restaurant turned Winry's way who had a bright hue of red all over her face.

"What happened to your husband m'am?", the young woman asked.

"He hates milk", she answered still quite embarrassed by the scene Ed was making.

Everybody could now hear Ed's loud heaving. It got so bad that some people stopped eating altogether.

"He should have sticked with the pig's brains. Don't you think m'am?", the waitress said also disgusted by Ed's heaving.

"I think you're absolutely right miss. Anything but milk", Winry said while trying to hide her face behind her hands. "Oh Ed-", she said to herself knowing that it was going to be the first and last time they were going to dine at a Xinguese restaurant.

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A/N: I just want everyone that this is a crack fic so it is supposed to be crazy and not make a lot of sense. The restaurant name is Chinese. The food mentioned is authentic for the Asian region and I want to make it clear that these types of foods are specialties and the majority of Asian food is not as exotic as the ones mentioned here. Anyway all countries have their share of exotic dishes. The 'boba tea' or bubble tea mentioned here is the lychee milk tea, one of my favorites.

Ciao!


	4. MOMA

I'm back! Sorry for the wait! I had a major case of writer's block thanks to the darkness of Insidious. BTW chapter 5 of that story has been up for a while now ;)

One more chapter to go which will be out in October as it sort of ties with the timeline of chapter 6 of Indidious (will be out for Halloween). I promise that chapter will not disappoint those who love horror stories.

Anyways back to our favorite couple who are once again dropped into an awkward situation.

One more thing. In the previous chapter Ed chugged down around 32 fl oz (around a liter) of what essentially is milk. Yes poor Ed. I'm a bastard.

Enjoy the new chapter!

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Edward looked to his left and saw doodles that appeared to be created by a five year old. He looked to his right only to see random shapes that look like kid's arts and craft projects that somehow got deformed during the modeling process. He looked up to see what was literary crap hanging from wires in the ceiling.

"Winry?", he said while pinching the bridge of his nose and feeling that a nasty headache was soon to settle in. "What the hell is this place?"

Winry who was at the moment completely engrossed with an abstract painting, slightly turned her head to answer his rather rude question. "Silly, we are at the Central MOMA."

Her reply didn't really answer his question. "What the hell is a MOMA?"

Winry now turned around to face him. Ed could see she was getting annoyed with him. "You really are unsophisticated, Ed. MOMA is short for Museum Of Modern Art."

"Modern art?", Ed thought. Since when was art modern?

Winry observed the blank expression in Edward's face as he tried to process what she just said to him. She somewhat pitied him as the poor ex-alchemist was really, really ignorant with anything that was art related. "Let just walk around Ed. You'll get it once you see more art works."

They had been looking at paintings for the past half hour and Ed still didn't get what Modern Art was all about. All he saw was a bunch of paintings that looked like some guy just splattered his business over the canvas. He groaned from the mental image.

Winry who was appreciating a painting from one of her favorite artist(1), shot a angry stare at Ed. "Now what?", she spat.

"Winry, how can you like this shit?", he said in utter frustration. "Just look at this!", he pointed an angry finger to the painting(2) he was directly in front of. "It looks like it was drawn with crayons, Winry! With fucking crayons!"

A museum attendant made a hushing sound then scowled at the couple when they looked his way.

"Ed just shut up and stop being so ridiculous. These paintings are portraying what the artist sees. For example Matisse is depicting his model by using a painting style that celebrates primitive art and Picasso is deconstructing how an ordinary object looks and then reconstructs it in a way that shows the viewer how to observe the same object under a new light. Just like alchemy", she ended her speech with a perky smile.

Ed's jaw dropped. Did she had the gall to compare those pieces of shit to alchemy? He would have retaliated such infuriating comment if it wasn't for the massive headache that was hammering at his head. "Let's just move on", he said while dragging his sorry ass to the next art exhibition, hoping it was better than the present one.

The young couple entered the three-dimensional section of the museum and to Ed's misfortune it was worse than the previous one.

At this point Winry had left his side since she really didn't want to have his wet blanket attitude sucking out her joy for the arts. She walked around the exhibit appreciating the beauty of steel forms that celebrated the rise of technology(3), like the automail craft.

Ed found Winry giggling while observing at a rather peculiar sculpture(4). "What's so funny about that- thing?"

Winry was a bit startled as she didn't feel Ed's presence next to her. "Oh nothing", she said after calming down. "This reminds me of Mr. Garfield that's all."

Ed's mouth was once again hanging open. "That thing looks like a schlong Winry! Why would it remind you of Mr. Garfield?" Ed's eyes suddenly widened in horror as he finished those words. "You- saw? But I thought he is- I mean with his get-up and the make up and the mannerisms-", he started to feel dizzy.

"You're such a pervert Ed!", Winry said to him as her face turned beet red.

"Ahem! Is there a problem here miss?", said another museum attendant that walked towards them.

"Oh it's nothing. Sorry!", Winry said in a rather embarrassed tone as she grabbed Ed by the wrist and started dragging him towards the museum's exit.

**oo-OOO-oo**

Winry plopped on the luxury seat of their hotel room. "Honestly Ed you really made a number in the museum. I know that you hate art but, gosh!", she said to him as she was still really upset with his juvenile behavior at the museum.

Ed sat on the bed that was located across her way. "I don't hate art Winry. The things in there were just a bunch of garbage."

Ed took his ponytail down and combed his long golden strands with his fingers then he stood up and walked towards his wife.

"Now explain to me. Why that- thing reminded you of Mr. Garfield", he said while he leaned forward placing each hand on the arm rest of the chair thus preventing Winry from escaping his interrogatory.

Winry made a disapproving sound. "I don't know why you're being so jealous Ed. You DO know that Mr. Garfield likes men right?"

"Then why did you say that schlong reminded you of him?", he replied with exasperation.

"Don't be so crass Ed!", she shouted to his face. "That 'schlong' as you call it is a very sophisticated work of art."

The corners of Ed's mouth were quickly turning down as he groaned. "Sculpture, schlong, whatever. Just answer the damn question!"

Winry slit her blue eyes. "Ok fine! We collaborated on a design that looked somewhat like that sculpture. What we came up with ended up as a present for one of Mr. Garfield's boyfriends."

"Ok, go on", Ed said as he noticed that Winry's face was blushing at a fast pace.

"You see it was a special type of mechanism that implements automail technology in order for it to work properly." Her face was now a nice shade of ruby red.

Ed was now blushing too and for some reason he was afraid to find out what this 'experimental design' was really for but, before he could put his thoughts into words, Winry already continued where she left off.

"You see, that contraption can change in size and girth and it can also vibrate and-"

"Stop Winry! Just stop!", he was beyond embarrassed at that point. "I know you've always been an automail geek but this really takes it to another level. Jeez! You really have a sick fetish with automail and do does-", he covered his mouth in horror as mental images of Mr. Garfield's kinky sex life ravaged his mind.

"Oh just shut up Ed!", she yelled at him as she pushed him away from the chair with her feet.

She got up and walked past Ed. She sat on a corner of the bed and a sly smirk covered her beautiful face. "I don't know why you're suddenly being so prude because you, my dear husband, are a kinky kind of guy."

Ed just stared at her. It was a fact that everybody knew him as being quite prude and deep inside he knew this to be true, but with Winry everything was different. He was more open, more akin to experimentation because he trusted her with all his heart. He smiled at her with last thought floating in his mind as he walked towards her. He sat next to her and tucked her hair behind her ear in order to expose the ivory skin of her delicate neck. "So how did you get the idea to create that kind of thing?", he said as he started laying soft kisses on her exposed neck, thinking of all the 'interesting' uses that type of invention could have during intimacy with his hot wife.

"It was not an original design of mine. I- sort of stumble upon the blueprints for the design- ah!", she struggled to talk as she was getting turned on.

Ed stopped what he was doing and raised an eyebrow, curiosity now taking over his full attention. "So, where did you find it at?"

"At the shop", she said with some embarrassment.

"You mean at Mr. Garfield's right?", he asked, already shuddering from the other possible answer.

"Um- I found it at Granny's", she said as she hid behind her wide grin.

He knew it was coming and yet hearing it out loud made his jaw drop and his eyes widen in shock. Mental images of Granny and sex toys invaded his mind, completely ruining what was going to be a promising evening.

He heavily sighed as his 'deflated ego' once again retreated for the hills. Those Rockbell women will become the death of him. He got up and dragged his sorry ass into the bathroom in order to take a cold, cold shower.

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A/N: Oh Granny you rock! That was very PWP. XD

As you can tell I have a quirky sense of humor and I'm also not very PC. So thank you all that get my sense of humor and special thanks to the brave souls that have left reviews. You rock! Ed will get his day in the last chapter of this story. Maybe some lemony goodness? We'll see. XD

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ART REFERENCES (Sorry for breaking the links FF blocks links and web address. GRR!)

(1) _Violín_ by Pablo Picasso - www wikipaintings org /en /pablo-picasso /violin-1913

(2) _Woman with a Hat_ by Henri Matisse - en wikipedia org /wiki /File: Matisse-Woman-with-a-Hat jpg

(3) _Unique Forms of Continuity in Space_ by Umberto Boccioni - en wikipedia org /wiki /File: %27Unique_Forms_of_Continuity_in_Space%27,_1913_bronze_by_Umberto_Boccioni. jpg

(4) _Bird in Space_ by Constantin Brancusi - www moma org /collection /object. php ?object_ id= 81033


	5. Amestrian Blue

A/N: The last chapter of this crack saga is finally here. I hope I did a decent job as I'm super busy as of late and having the flu doesn't help with the cause. Yes this is a lemony chapter and the timeline is directly linked with chapter 6 of Insidious. Hope you enjoy!

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"—Amestris to Ed! Hey Ed! I'm talking to you!"

Edward was aimlessly contemplating the people that came in or out of the hotel restaurant. He still was a bit upset, more like frustrated that he couldn't make love to Winry the night before. Who could engage in such act right after hearing things that should forever be kept in secrecy? Too much information. He shuddered as in five days he would have to engage in conversation with Pinako. How was he going to be able to keep the conversation going without thinking about her 'unique' inventions? He sighed. Too much information indeed. He felt a sudden jerk on his good shoulder. "Huh? What?" The blonde answered, a bit annoyed by the interruption.

"Are you ok Ed?" Her face showed concern.

"It's nothing." Ed calmly replied while he cut a huge chunk of steak smeared with eggs, which he immediately shoved into his mouth.

Winry did not believe one bit his lame attempt at being nonchalant. "Is it because we didn't end up doing it last night?"

Ed almost choked on the piece of meat. He painfully swallowed it then followed it with a huge gulp of orange juice. "Jeez Winry! Are you trying to kill me?"

Winry could see that 'not getting lucky' wasn't the only thing that was bothering her husband. She had to change her tactic if she wanted the stubborn blonde to open up to her. "Ed, honey. Please tell me what's really bothering you." She said while making good use of her trademark puppy eyes.

Ed huffed as he knew that he already lost. How could he say no to those big, blue eyes? He finally spoke after a long pause. "I've been thinking… Since we got here… I haven't enjoyed this vacation as I hoped I would."

"I don't understand Ed. I thought you were enjoying this trip." She answered, quite perplexed with what he just said.

"I have enjoyed being with you but there had been too many 'incidents' on this vacation." He answered as his face twisted from recalling all those awkward and embarrassing events they had experienced since they arrived at Central, events where he had the starring role. "Besides—"

"Besides what?"

"We haven't gone to any places that I would like to visit." He confessed with a tinge of sadness attached to those words.

Winry felt rotten. She had been so immersed in her own world that she completely forgot to ask Ed what he wanted to do. Winry squeezed his hand as she gave him a warm smile. "Ed. What do you want to do today?"

Ed was stoked. Winry, his Winry, conceded? Now that was one for the books! He felt so elated that he immediately started thinking about places that he would want to visit, but to his amazement, there wasn't anything that really piqued his interest— except one place in particular. "Well… actually there is a place I want to visit but I don't think we have the necessary clearance for it."

Winry's eyes widened. "Jeez Ed! What the heck is this place you want to visit?"

"The new National Central Library, First Branch." He replied with a childish grin plastered all over his face.

Winry raised an eyebrow. "You're joking?" She just couldn't believe that Ed wanted to go to a freaking library during their vacation but then again—

"What's wrong with that?" He said, raising his tone of voice before he chewed on another huge chunk of meat.

Winry glared at her husband as she finished her omelette. She put the cutlery down and picked up the conversation where Ed left it off. "Let's go to our room and then we'll decide together what we'll do today. Is this ok with you Ed?"

He nodded a 'yes'.

**oo-OOO-oo**

"What the hell is this?" Ed barked, wondering why there was a large white box with a huge red bow, nestled on top of their bed.

"There's an envelope attached to it," Winry pointed out. Ed approached the box and grabbed the envelope. He pulled out three notes and started reading them. His jovial face suddenly turned sour when he finished reading the last note.

"Who is it from?" Winry asked.

"Here." Ed extended his hand to give her the notes which she grabbed diligently. She read the first note.

_Fullmetal,_

_I hope you appreciate this gift as in a couple of months you'll be fully reinstated to serve the great nation of Amestris, clothed with the proud vestments of its glorious military._

_Yours truly,_

_Brigadier General Mustang_

Winry moved on to the second note.

_Fullmetal,_

_I truly hope you that you didn't think that I was going to let you wear that hideous red and black getup this time around or that I am going to let you wear that boring old geezer attire that you seem to prefer as of late. You should really reconsider your fashion style, Edward, because you are starting to look like your father— Unless this is exactly what you want to convey._

_M_

Winry read the last note.

_P.S. I will have the billing department deduce the cost of that uniform from your first paycheck. See you in six months!_

She couldn't stop giggling. That Mustang is definitely a spunky one. Now snickering, she handed back the notes to a raving Ed who immediately crumpled the pieces of paper. 'Asshole,' Winry thought she heard him say between clenched teeth. She needed to divert Ed's anger before that incident spoiled his entire day, so asking him to open the box seemed like a good option. Ed hesitated for a moment but surrendered to her charming ways.

There it was, the Amestrian Blue, proud uniform of the nation's military. Ed took out the jacket and immediately noticed it already had been tailored. He also noticed that the ribbons, insignia and any other devices that defined the Liutenant Colonel rank, were already attached to the jacket. He grumbled as he knew this was the Bastard's doing. When he looked up he saw a starry-eyed Winry who was gawking at him.

"It's beautiful." Winry said as she took a step closer to feel the wool texture of the jacket. "Try it on!" She cried out, almost squealing.

"Now?" He asked, not understanding what the fuss was all about.

"Yes now! Jeez!" She replied, irked at how dense he could be sometimes.

Edward shrugged his shoulders then picked up and carried the box into the bathroom. Winry could hear a barrage of curse words coming from behind closed doors, probably caused by Ed's inexperience with dressing up in complicated garments.

"Well, what do you think?" Ed said, as he stepped out from the bathroom, feeling a bit self-conscious about his appearance.

Winry was speechless. She walked towards him and fingered the lapel that ran diagonally across her husband's chest. "You look so dashing Ed."

Ed immediately blushed. He honestly thought that Winry was going to make fun of him but to see her ogling him like that was a really pleasant yet unexpected surprise. A smug smile ran across his face as wide as— "Dammit."

"Is something wrong?" Winry asked, worried that she might have made Ed feel uncomfortable.

"It's nothing Winry. Mustang's ugly mug came to mind. That's all."

Winry looked at him funny but decided to ignore the comment as she was so ecstatic with how amazing Ed looked in his military uniform. Now she understood why women gawked over men in uniform. She grinned.

"You're acting all funny again, Winry."

"I, I was just thinking that it would have been nice if you could wear your uniform before going to officer's school. I really would have liked to walk on the streets of Central accompanied by such a handsome man wearing his Amestrian Blue."

Ed couldn't believe that Winry was digging this new look. Maybe that's why the Bastard was rarely seen without his uniform. He chuckled at the thought. "Winry." He softly lifted his wife's chin so their eyes could meet. "Would you like to have a walk around town?"

Winry's glimmered with excitement but were suddenly clouded with worry. "Ed. Won't you get in trouble for doing that?"

"Naw." He gently caressed her jaw. "The Bastard owes me one. Let's go." He added as he tugged her by the hand.

Edward felt elated. That uniform was magic. People were greeting him with utmost respect, heck, he even made Winry jealous as women were turning heads just to look at him. This was definitely why Roy wore his uniform like a second skin. The smug smile appeared again on his face and this time around he welcomed it with utter delight.

Inadvertly they stopped in front of the new First Branch of the National Central Library. He sighed as his bookworm alter ego wanted to roam around its vast halls, to inhale the stale smell of musty paper, to feel the texture of letter pressed words with his right hand; but what he wanted the most was to— Just thinking about it only made him sulk then an idea suddenly struck him. He _was_ in uniform and he _was_ carrying his pocket watch. A devilish smile made its way on his face. "Winry. Let's go in." He said as he pointed a finger towards the library.

"You're joking?" Winry answered in utter disbelief.

"No jokes, besides you said that it was my time to choose where to go so I choose this place."

"But you said that you couldn't go in." She asked while scanning the building.

"Ah yes, but that was before I came across the white box with the red ribbon. You see, this uniform and my pocket watch will grant us entry."

Winry gave him a quizzical look. "Ok. If you say so Ed."

Ed took Winry by the hand as they walked to the main entrance where they were granted access. They both couldn't believe that his plan worked so well.

Ed's eyes were all googly as he finally had the chance to visit the First Branch. He quickly pulled Winry into the alchemy section and it was just as he imagined it. He let go of his wife and quickly picked up a tome on applied alchemy and Physics. Winry puffed as she plopped on the nearest chair. She knew it was going to be a really long and boring afternoon.

After about an hour Ed returned to were Winry was seating. He could see in her eyes that she was more than pissed at that point. "There's one more thing I want to do before leaving, Winry." He said as he extended a hand to her. "After this we'll do whatever you want my love," he added.

Ed took Winry to a very quiet area on the second floor of the library. She looked around and couldn't see a single soul around them. "Um, Ed? Why are we here?"

"All the other libraries have similar layouts so I've figured this one was constructed the same way and I'm glad to confirm that was the case here."

"O-kay. But that doesn't answer my question."

"Will this do?" He said as he wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him as he kissed her passionately.

"What the hell you're doing Ed?" She yelled as she pushed him away from her. "This is a public area!"

"I know." He grinned. "That's the whole point."

"Why you— you little pervert!" She shouted, her face hidden behind all kinds of red.

"Prude. Pervert. Make up your mind, Winry." He got close to her again. "Don't you want to try it?" His eyes told her that this is what he wanted to do all along.

Winry eased up and put her arms around his neck. "Ed you sure are one kinky man." She admitted, followed by laying tender kisses on his lips. "You're lucky that I like your kind of kink," she added.

Ed took Winry to the most recluse area he could think of, also known as the Mineral Sciences section. He found the perfect place between tall book shelves filled with books related to volcanism. He snigger at the irony of it because at the moment he felt like a volcano, a volcano about to erupt. He put those thoughts on hold when he once again claimed Winry's mouth. She was so pliant, so open to the fondling of her exposed skin that he became completely intoxicated with her. In the meantime Winry started to unzip his pants while Ed brought a hand to her nether regions making her gasp at the touch. She managed to draw out a moan from her husband as she finally freed him from the suffocating cage that was his military-issued pants.

Her touch was driving him wild and he couldn't wait any longer. "Winry." He said as he curled his left arm under her right thigh. "Hold on to the bookshelf and hold on tight." He added as he immersed himself in the heat that was Winry Rockbell.

She held onto the bookshelf as if her life depended on it. She felt exhilarated. The mixture of wanton and the thrill of getting caught was making her be louder than usual. How could she resist? Her husband knew how to undo her, how to make her reach new limits.

"Winry. Keep it down. You're too loud." Ed managed to say between heavy panting.

"Can't help it! You're so good at it—"

Ed couldn't hide the pride that made its way to his face. It was that kind of talk that drived him to the edge quickly. After few more minutes the dance of their bodies carried them into white bliss. A kiss here. A caress there. The fluttery sensation that two people deeply in love share. Ed never thought that such impish fantasy would turn out to be so satisfying and by the looks of it, the feeling was mutual and—

Ed's eyes became wide as he noticed the librarian that was standing fifteen feet away from them. Winry, who was still entwined in the afterglow, shrieked when she saw her, immediately digging her face in Ed's chest. The librarian looked all hot and bothered which made the young, adventurous couple wish they would've crawl into a hole and die.

They were caught. They were caught in the worst possible way and it was his fault. Winry will brain him for sure when they return to the hotel, that is, if they don't end up first in jail. Mustang will have a field day if he finds about this. "M'am please let me explain—"

"Don't say a word. I, I just can't believe the rumors were true," she said, while holding on tightly to the book in her hands, "But I thought it was the Flame Alchemist that came here to make a public display of his debauchery. There is no respect for such an important place anymore."

"Miss, I—"

"Just leave before I call security." The irked librarian spat at the couple. She turned around and headed down the hall. "Honestly, what's the world turn into?" She said out loud as she went down a flight of stairs.

**oo-OOO-oo**

The ride back to the hotel had been a quiet one. Ed was sure that it was going to be his last day on the planet as Winry was going to make sure that he wouldn't live to see another day. Winry went ahead and entered the room first probably trying to get her wrench for a good ol' brain bashing. He slowly closed the door behind him. He saw Winry standing in the hallway as he turned around. He deeply swallowed and closed his eyes as he mentally prepared himself for the blow. He waited and waited but pain never came through. He opened an eye and noticed that Winry was still standing in the same place with arms folded across her chest and no wrench in sight. He decided to break the ice. "Winry, I—"

"It goes without saying that what happened at the library was beyond embarrassing." She said to him with a stern look on her face. "But, I don't know if I should be mortified or happy about it."

"What?" He cried out of shock.

"What I meant is that the whole incident was, how should I put it— exhilarating?" She replied.

Edward's legs almost buckled when he heard her answer. She wasn't mad, but 'exhilarated'? Just when he thought he had Winry Rockbell completely deciphered, she decides to throw another curve ball his way. "So you're not mad?"

"Well I was but I have to admit that it was the best lay we had so far." She blushed at the admittance. "Don't you think?"

"Heh, I guess it is." He said in agreement with her statement. "By the way, why did you decided to go with it?"

Winry took a step closer and once again started fingering the lapel of his uniform. "Maybe there's some truth in the saying—"

"What saying?" He interjected as he cupped her cheek.

"That women can't resist men in uniform." She move her head to kiss the hand that cupped her cheek.

"I can't believe that the Bastard goes around doing public displays." He said while thinking about how awkward it was that they shared the same taste in adventure.

"Like us."

"Like us." He concurred as he pecked her lips.

"Ed. I'm going to take a shower. Will you join me?" She asked with a playful wink which he replied with a mischievous grin.

The telephone rang as they headed to the bathroom. "Should we pick it up?" Winry asked.

"Naw. Let the front desk take the message." He said as he picked her up bridal style and entered into the luxurious bathroom to continue where they left off.

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A/N: Thanks again to everyone that have read and supported this story. I'm glad it made you laugh in some way. My intention for this story was to focus solely on EdWin and give the reader a look into their relationship. I did it as a crack fic because I needed to escape a bit from the darkness that is Insidious.

Writing about Insidious if you like psychological horror/thriller then you should give that story a try. Chapter 6 will be posted on or a few days before Halloween. I promise that it will spook you or as a friend here wrote to me, and I quote, "People are going to sh!t when they read this." So look it up on a Halloween near you XD

Ciao for now!


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